Someone I’ve known for over a decade in my business world disappointed me the other day.
I’m pretty sure he has no idea.
BUT I acknowledge: It’s my fault.
I made a big mistake years ago. I didn’t hype myself up and I deeply regret that now.
***TRIGGER WARNING FOR MEN***
If you are a man, please know I love men. I married one. I birthed one. (Okay, he’s a teen, but he will be a man someday).
I have many guy friends and I love you all!
But you will never fully “get” me or understand my experience in the business world.
So if you continue reading, I’ll give you the same helpful tip my therapist gave me long ago to help me communicate better with my husband. As you read, pretend you are a news reporter getting a story. ‘Listen’ with curiosity. Ask questions. Repeat back what you hear. Don’t take it personally. You don’t have to feel offended or defend yourself because your’e a news reporter, not a man. (I can vouch for this method of active listening. When done right, It works in marital conversations)
Anyway, My business world is and has been very male dominated.
In fact, I almost guarantee that I’m the only woman you’ll ever meet who has spent 30 years in the home service industry, has been both a technician and a business owner, and did it all on her own. I’m also Boom Lift and OSHA certified, but I digress…
I’m a home service unicorn.
I think differently because my experience has been different. I have more emotional intelligence than most men, and I communicate differently. Ive studied my ADHD brain and learned how to capitalize on the brilliant parts, and support the areas of weakness. I’ve used this information to train others how to understand their brains. I’m easy to talk to and connect with. I try not to judge people by their beliefs when they are different then mine. I try to remain sincere, caring and generous.
Although I now think its cool to be the unicorn, It’s been a very lonely journey.
When I first started in home service, internet community didn’t exist because internet barely existed.
I needed connection! I wanted to talk and connect with people who did what I did, so I spent the last 15 years actively trying to build close relationships with industry leaders. ie: the Men.
Finding connection hasn’t been easy.
I have kids, and in the early years I couldn’t travel to many of the events that the guys were going to because I’m a mom and a wife. I hold the emotional weight of my family on my shoulders, and therefore I missed many opportunities to get to know people face to face because my family needed me.
When I finally could travel, I was quickly dismissed by many who didn’t know me, so I worked really hard to build relationships one at a time.
Even then, I often wasn’t thought of as someone who “knew things” that could be useful for the guys.
Heres the other thing that I didn’t understand until much later:
1. Many leaders in the industry are married and religious, and therefore close female friendships are not encouraged/ don’t happen.
2. People like to hang with people that make them feel comfy, which is why men in my industry have continuously created strategic business relationships with other men. It’s not on purpose. It’s default.
Do I want to be the Naggy Bitch talking about this stuff? Nope.
As soon as I started talking about it, I can see the eyes glazing over. No one wants to hear about the female experience. In an industry of conservative men- that’s liberal talk, and I don’t need an additional reason to be dismissed (as a liberal).
I think any women will understand what I’m about to say, and most men won’t.
I have often made myself smaller than I am, to try to fit in. I don’t want to be too smart or correct the guys, because that might upset them. I also don’t want to come off too confident or powerful- lest I scare them. I’m always super friendly! The expression on my face remains transparently friendly, so Im accessible. Some of this is tactical, and some is unconscious training. I was raised to be modest and humble, so I never want to come off as conceited or a know it all.
I gave so much of my knowledge away for free. (Ladies- don’t do that)
DO YOU KNOW HOW EXHAUSTING THIS IS?? I’m always reading the man in front of me, and figuring out how to get him to “see” me.
Oh young Melody, how naive you were (are).
My BIG HUGE mistake was not shouting about my greatness from the rooftops! Not charging for the things I created!
I was way too vulnerable and authentic, and although these traits are finally in fashion, I have done myself dirty by not selling ONLY the Best version of me.
I think that kind of self-promotion is a scam, and I don’t wanna do it. I’m smart enough to see it happening from a distance, but up close, even I’m sucked into it.
When someone tells me how great they are, or how much they know, I BELIEVE THEM, because they wouldn’t say it unless its true, right?
I didn’t position myself as an industry leader because I assumed I had to earn it.
I assumed Once I had made friends with the right people, it would naturally happen.
I thought this because I had watched it happen time and time again. My male friends pulled each other up to the top. They spent time together (while their wives watched the kids).
They bonded in male ways.
They formed alliances and strategized businesses together.
All while I waited to be seen.
I think you’ve read the word “assumed” a hundred times in this post. You know what they say…when you Assume it makes an ass out of U and Me… Get it?
But I didn’t realize til very recently that I’ll never be seen by these people.
I don’t dress like a traditional business lady. No power clothes for me- I like being comfortable.
I don’t talk like a power player. I’m powerful, but I don’t wear it on my sleeve. It’s not natural for me, and pretending takes up so much energy.
I just want to be me.
I haven’t spent nearly enough time asking for my male friends to shout me out.
I’ve grown all my businesses organically by word of mouth. To me, this is the most authentic way to build a business, but its also the slowest way. It only works when people shout you out and cheerlead on your behalf. They don’t do this for me like they do it for their bro’s.
BACK TO THE FRIEND THAT HURT ME
I won’t tell you the details, but once again, My experience and expertise was overlooked for someone shinier.
In the last 3 days I’ve moved from distraught, to disappointed to fired up.
MELODY!!! THESE ARE NOT YOUR PEOPLE!!!
You’ve known this for quite a while. Why do you keep thinking this is gonna change?
If everyone in the room can’t see how shiny you are, you are most certainly in the wrong room
I’m mourning the loss of the industry I have spent my whole adult life in, though it was never my community to begin with.
Really my head just has to get used to the idea that these are not my people, despite my previous beliefs.
My attention is moving in a different direction.
Friendly Home Service Men: YOU are still my people! I see you and I love you,
but you’ve got a ready-made community.
Now I’m on a quest to build mine.