It’s mental health awareness Month.
I have been wanting to write something this month, but the past weeks have been a struggle, and moments of struggle don’t necessarily feel like the best times to write about mental health. There is no distance.
However, it’s May 31st, at 11:30 pm, the procrastinator in me loves a deadline! maybe I pause at the thought of sharing so much personal information, but I have learned 2 things the past few years:
1) The more vulnerable I am, the stronger I become.
2) Nothing brings me out of the hard moments quicker than helping other people.
so here I am.
In my late teens I ended up in the psychiatric ward. At first it was a comfort to be committed. I didn’t have to worry about the world or any of the stress of day to day life. I had no obligations or responsibilities, and no one expected anything from me. By the 3rd time, all sense of comfort was gone. I was losing control of my life, and I didn’t want to be locked up anymore. The world continued to move on, while I stayed stuck in my trauma.
When you have a breakdown, people think you have changed. You aren’t who they thought you were. I think it scares people when someone who was seemingly “normal” is suddenly “crazy”. They act as if crazy is contagious.
It is not.
Like grief, it’s very uncomfortable. People don’t know what to say or how to handle it, so they say nothing. It can take a long time to build trust again.
The darkness I experienced back then was persistent and dangerous. Even worse, I couldn’t see any way out of it, and felt no hope for my future. I couldn’t dream, and felt no sense of purpose.
I wasn’t sure I would survive those years, but here I am. I’m a lucky one; Some of my people didn’t make it.
Though I’ve never been hospitalized again, I’ve been on a journey of healing ever since.
I walk through my life desperate to live with a sense of purpose. The reason I talk about purpose so much is because without it, I feel hopeless. There is no middle ground for me. That is me…excited or bored, purpose or hopeless, all or nothing. These are the emotional waves I experience.
One of the areas i feel a sense of purpose is Mental Health awareness, and I co-founded a local group 7 years ago (Hatfield Heads Up) to help fill a need. I’ve felt a sense of duty ever since to help normalize mental health in our communities and beyond.
I’ve wanted to use my story to help others, having experienced the stigma and isolation mental health stigmatization causes. I especially want to show that experiencing difficult emotions is normal, that they are not eternal, and they deserve conversation, not stigmatization.
I still experience waves of emotion, and sometimes the younger versions of me still hold me emotionally hostage. Until recently I hadn’t realized how many old versions of me still hold space in my head, and how it has held me back from experiencing the life I want to live.
The 18 year old inside me had me believing I was still emotionally fragile. that version was deathly afraid of people not liking her, so I’ve lived my life for her fears. Adult Melody wants to be seen and heard, but 18 year old me wants to remain invisible. I didn’t realize how much stronger I have become until I was pushed into a situation that forced me to see it.
last year a video I made on tik tok went viral, but on the wrong side of tik tok. Suddenly everyone on the internet seemed to hate me! (Or so it felt).
It was the very scenario I had feared , but it turned out to be a blessing. The experience led me to realize I was holding onto old stories and versions of me, and it was time to release them.
Letting go is a freeing experience.
Therapy has helped me figure out how to ride my waves of emotion. At times the work has been difficult.
I used to look at healing as a journey with a finish line, but have come to terms with the idea that it is actually a life-long process.
I may never feel “healed”, but I will continue to learn to recognize the triggers that pull me back into the old hurt version of me, and work on finding new ways to deal with them. That is what healing is. Not an ending, but a new way of seeing and being.
Now when I feel hopeless, I allow myself to experience it, all the while knowing in my logical brain, that it is temporary. And eventually, I always come back to joy, creation, purpose and connection.