I was devastated to read that my longtime therapist Jori (Marjorie) Ross passed away. She was still seeing me between her own medical treatments; a testament to how much she cared about her work and her patients. Ironically I started seeing her for complicated grief, and now I will grieve the loss of her.
I sought treatment with Jori after my former husband died 5 years ago. The grief and pain devoured me in very unexpected ways, and I was lucky to find her. She began treating me for prolonged grief disorder, a thing I didn’t know was real until I experienced it. I couldn’t process his death... literally couldn’t make myself believe he was gone. I went from rarely thinking about him, to not being able to stop thinking about him, his suffering, and what I had witnessed in his final days. As you can imagine, the impact on my life and the lives of those I care for was extreme; I was obsessed. Sometimes I didn’t want to live anymore because the pain was so gut wrenching. I hadn’t loved him for years, and yet I was not prepared to let him go.
I have grieved many losses in my life and I tend to feel it deeply. It’s one of the consequences of my need for deep connection. But with Ahmed, the level of my grief was different. I just couldn’t comprehend that this charismatic human force of life was gone. Forever. Partially i was grieving the loss of my youth, because he was my youth.
I was also angry that I couldn’t grieve like a normal human, and ashamed because maybe I was just grieving for attention? A very weird thing to wonder about yourself, and yet when you’re hyper self-aware, this is what runs through your brain.
So many complicated feelings.
It was not a quick process, but over the next couple years my quality of life began to improve, and slowly I was able to stop ruminating on his death. I still think of him everyday, but the thoughts don’t control me; they are fleeting and distant.
Jori was exactly who I needed to help me through that time. She was compassionate, curious, and a little no nonsense, which I loved about her. She helped to hold me accountable to myself without me feeling guilt or shame when I backslid.
As my grief dissipated, I began working on other complicated issues that had held me hostage throughout my life. At times it was very slow work, but Jori was patient, and had a way of helping me draw my own conclusions, which is what a good therapist does.
I just found out about Jori’s death last night.
I was not expecting to see her as I scanned the obituaries. Even though she’s been sick, she was honest about her journey and her ability to work. She still called to check in. We continued to meet on occasion. I had just spoken with her recently.
I wasn’t prepared.
I haven’t even begun to process her death. I probably shouldn’t think ahead, but that’s what I do when I want to avoid feeling the feelings.
I don’t know how to start over again after investing 5 years with her. I’ve had many therapists throughout my life, and it’s really hard to find one who is good at what they do, that I also will connect with. The thought of restarting the work with someone new is daunting.
The Jori I knew was not Jori, but a version of her. Reading her obituary, I got to experience a different version of her. The one that her friends and family had the pleasure of knowing and loving. My version had boundaries and was focused only on me. It is possibly the only one-sided relationship I have experienced in my life. It was a transactional relationship, still, I couldn’t help but to care for her and be concerned for her well-being. She told me it was okay to care, but that we were there for me, so I felt safe focusing on the work we were doing. It was a relationship where I didn’t have to feel any guilt for not being enough or doing enough.
When it’s time to continue in therapy , maybe it won’t be starting over. She helped me to grow. I know I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. In many ways I am stronger, more confident, self aware, and less hard on myself. She taught me to have self-compassion. She helped me to understand that there is life beyond grief, and that healing is not a final destination, but a journey in growth and self awareness.
I am so far away from who I want to be, but my 5 years with Jori were pivotal in helping me become the woman I am today, and I will forever be grateful for my time with her.